this is the longest text ever. I considered using proper grammar for all of this, but I don't want the process of writing this to be boring. and if I do proper grammar the whole time, I know I'll be bored. I discovered this idea when I was sent a link to an attempt at it by someone I talk to online (to clarify, the attepmt wasn't by the person I talk to, the link was just sent by them. english phrasing is stupid). I watch a politics live-streamer a lot and he has a site with his own text live chat on it. there are a few regulars in there even when he's not streaming, and I talk to those people very often. I've made someone proper online friends through there. there is one guy I met through there, and we play dungeons and dragons together over the internet with some others from that chat. we've only played one campaign together because the guy who DMs it, the main guy I mentioned earlier, has never DMed before and so it takes him a while to put together the campaigns (and he works hard making them up and organising the players). his last campaign was worth the wait though, even if it was the first campaign of dungeons and dragons I'd ever played. the guy is cool, he's one of the first real online friends I've ever had. it's interesting; even though I've been spending a lot of time on the internet - far, far more time than is healthy - for a long time now, I'd never made internet friends before these ones. frankly I had appreciated the internet as something to be experienced in an isolated manor. by that I mean I felt alone when using and exploring the internet. that sounds sorta sad, but I enjoyed for that. I love to be alone, I spend about 23 hours out of the day alone on average currently. I live with my family still, that which hasn't moved out, but I stay in my room mostly and don't talk to them much. I don't dislike them or anything (for the most part), but if I'm truthful, I don't think I LOVE them. I know I sound ungrateful and probably cold saying that, but I don't mean it that way. I just don't have much of a bond with any of them. my childhood was odd. should I talk about my childhood on such a public forum? I suppose no one could really connect this to me, and according to neocities' guidelines little is prohibited on here. then, my childhood was odd. there's lots of way I'd consider it odd. I was very close to my father when I was young. by young I mean pre-memory to 9 or 10 (at which point I forced myself to reject him). my father is a real shithead, and I knew that even back then, but for some reason I just kept forgiving him over and over again. I felt some weird DRAW to him, some kinda obligation to be close to him. in my opinion, the reason I felt that way is because he was the only other male in the family, the only male I really interacted with. and, as a very small boy, I felt desperate for a model off which to base my behaviour, my personality. fuck this is getting a little too deep. I don't want to have a therapy session right now. let's change the subject.